TRIALS

Wow, I have a lot to blog about, but right now I want to just write. no pictures. just write, straight from my heart, and what my emotions are going through at this time in my life.
If you didn't already know, Geoff and I are getting divorced. It's been an ongoing process that shouldve been final a couple of months ago. Because of child custody issues between us, it has dragged out the process. It was 6 months on Saturday that Geoff and I have officially been not living under the same roof. Six months of HELL. The first 2 1/2 months I tried and tried to make my marriage work. I relied on the Lord, my bishops guidance, priesthood blessings, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, close friends, family, and the Book of Mormon. It didn't save my marriage, but it was beginning to save me. My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ grew so strong. I knew that the church was true without a shadow of a doubt. I wanted to do my best to be the best ME. I wanted to be the best mom. I knew I could try to be the best I knew how to be to Geoff, but it was too late, he was done trying. 5 years of marriage, of heartache, of good times and bad times, of ALOT of struggle and it all came to an end. I felt peaceful actually. Then the Holidays came around. Geoff and I still did a few things together for the kids sake, but it wasn't the same. Life would never be the same.
Looking back today...with tears flowing down my face, I am not at that peaceful place I once was. I was finally beginning to take control of myself, and my happiness. I am now back to square one, and I don't know where to begin.
I'm angry, I'm tired, I miss my family. I miss Geoff being my best friend even if we did go through hell together. I thought with the Lord on my side, anything was possible. I thought my life would be fine in a few months time.
6 months later and it's so much worse than I ever imagined it to be. I know we are put on this earth to be tried and tested, but i've been tested to my core. I can't be tested anymore.
This isn't a cry for help. I have a lot of people there for me. I have a lot of people who love me. I know my Heavenly Father is there for me if I will just turn to him again.
Right now I'm stressed. Financially struggling. Not knowing what to do with my life. Not knowing what career path to choose now that I'm a single woman trying to support herself. I have so many ways that could take me, and I am overwhelmed with the idea of working full-time and not seeing my kids the amount of time I want to spend with them. The amount of time they need there mommy at home with them. I know a lot of women do it, but I'm not ready.
I know I have to,  I haven't paid some bills for 3 months. I am letting myself fall farther and farther behind in every aspect of my life. I know my potential, but I can't get out of this cave of hell I am living in.
Since January I began dating. At first not alot. Then I found out, wow, a lot of guys are interested in me. For a long time I had lost that confidence. My marriage never gave my that confidence. I know I need to find it on my own, but I always thought a husband or any significant partner in my life would complete that part of me.
I was starting to feel confident in January. Loving my life. Finally realizing that divorce may not be that bad after all. My kids would hopefully be resilient, and I would hopefully finally figure out who I really am, and what my self worth is.
Then enters the dating world. It has turned my life upside down. I HATE it. If you are EVER thinking about divorce, think again, and again and again. FIX your marriage. Forgive your spouse. Fix your problems so that your spouse will want you like they did when you first fell in love. Divorce is not the answer.
Dating was fun at FIRST. Now it's just another stress in my life. I've dated some losers, I mean real losers. Even doctors and lawyers, but losers of men! Then I've dated amazing guys who treat me like gold. Do I like them? Not usually. I've also dated more seriously one guy. We are both messes at this time in our lives. We both need to work on ourselves and get over our pasts. I know I should not date him. I know in my gut that he isn't right for me. BUT, what do I do? I keep dating him. My heart is telling me, "it will all work out, you will both get through your trials, and eventually be perfect for eachother because you have a lot in common, and have a lot of fun together". I guess I should start thinking with my head, not my heart....for once.
I want to get back to that peaceful place, but I am further away from it than ever in my life, and just such a short time ago, to think that I was actually finding my true self, realizing what really mattered in my life, feeling that peace.
I'm definitely not ready for serious dating, or any committed relationship for that matter. I know I will get there....maybe. I might just find that a man isn't what I need. I at least need to find out for myself that a man isn't what I need to fix ME, to make ME happy on the inside.
So... you might still see me out on dates, or talking about a guy I went on a date with, but that's just to pass the time, to get free dinners (jk), not to fix me long term. It will take a long time before I am ready to give myself to someone again, to fall in love all over again.
I really need to find that peace.